Thursday, November 29, 2007

Concert in the Park

If you haven't got a chance to check out Ebony and Ivory's holiday concert - do so ASAP!

You will know you have found them when you are downtown, in front of Pederson's, Nordstrom, or the Living Room. Ebony will be perched upon his 'city bug' scooter, dressed all in black. Ivory will be sporting his silver puffy jacket, declaring that he "still has 53 pairs of earrings to sell!" upon his milk crate.

Usually Ivory will have main control of the disc man pumping out the digitized background music, but there is no clear star of the show! Both men share lead vocals, devoid of emotion or rhythm for that matter.

Enjoy, and be sure to post your own review!

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Presidents of the USA

The Presidents always put on a good show, particularly when at the best small venue in the city, and last night's show did not disappoint; despite their new smoking agenda.

This is the thing about downtown - people think because they either are, or pretend to be crazy they can get away with virtually anything they want to. That, or they are just plain stupid - which is high to extremely probable.

I made my way to the front of the crowd during the show, but during the mosh pit portion of "Kitty" I was shoved to the 2nd row. As I remained there in the 2nd row, shoved around by the mosh pit behind me and thereby inadvertently shoving everyone else around me, this pathetic loser next to me says: "Not going to happen."

I deduced that this was his first concert for multiple reasons:

1. He thought I was the solitary person in a group of 600 people shoving him, solitarily.

2. He protected his position in the 2nd row with one hand clutching the railing in front of the first row, his other hand wrapped around the large man in front of him and because the poor boy was only about 5'4" he couldn't see a thing above or around his boyfriend, but obviously believed that he had the best position in the entire venue. Not to mention the fact that he was enjoying butt hugging the man in front of him.

A few moments later I felt a hand on my butt. Typical - when everyone is shoving, but then I felt the hand creeping down. I whipped around the see this fat bozo standing behind me looking creepy, ugly and disgusting. I said, as I elbowed his collarbone, "Don't touch me." He looked eerily guilty as he shrugged his shoulders.

Nearing the end of the concert, I decided to head back to find my cohorts and on my way back I happened to pass right by the groper. As I was still pretty heated, I turned towards him and shoved him hard, enough that he fell to the ground.

I should have followed up with a swift kick to the groin, but I never think of the best things to do and say until after the fact - something I need to promptly improve upon!

Friday, November 23, 2007

This Blog Should Be Titled: Adventures & Mishaps With My Dog

Now that I have recovered from my accident, I feel up to retelling my McDonald's story. Also, I should confess a small misrepresentation about my accident blog: Although I did have many scrapes and bruises on both my knees and elbows - it wasn't exactly "nearly to the bone"...

Now: For purposes of clarification, because I don't neglect my doggie - on another occasion that I had my little doggie with me walking home from work, I needed to stop by McDonalds to drop off a movie we rented at the RedBox. (This is starting to sound like a pay per post, but unfortunately my bank account is not benefiting from me writing about my mishaps - and I need money desperately (I don't want money, I need money!)) Anyway, Redbox is relatively simple - You hit return DVD, slip your DVD into the slot and leave. A feat easily accomplished in less then 10 seconds - a short enough amount of time that my obedient little doggie is able to sit still for.

I had not stepped into the store more than a foot before a McDonalds Servant began shouting at me: "Get Your Dog Out of Here! NO DOGS, NO DOGS!"

The last thing I said calmly was, "I'm just returning a DVD."

"I don't care, NO DOGS!"

"And what exactly am I supposed to do with him?"

"I don't care - tie him up outside!"

"I'm not tying him up out there with all those bums - he'll get stolen! I'll only be a few seconds!"

"No you won't - Get your dog out of here right now!"

At this point one of the other customers came up and offered to watch my dog outside while I returned my DVD. I wish instead that I had thrown the DVD at him, but as I mentioned my lack of money I didn't want to be charged $25 for the DVD! So, I allowed the nice man to take my doggie outside while I returned the DVD.

Because I regretted my decision not to throw the DVD at him, I came home and wrote a letter to the McDonalds franchise and to McDonalds Corporation highlighting the events of the evening emphasizing their supposed commitment to the community, yet lack of basic manners to their customers. This is what we call a paradox.

A few days later I got a call from the McDonalds store offering me and my family free dinner - whatever we wanted, and we could bring our dog so that he could dine with us. Check back tomorrow and I'll scan a picture of our lovely evening at the McDonalds restaurant.

Friday, November 16, 2007

My Doggie Gets Me Into A Lot of Trouble!

I would love to blog the story about my fight with the manager of McDonald's but I am still writhing in pain from my bike accident due to a pathetic, asinine, incorrigible, ruthless, unintelligent fool who has a tail that he hides between his legs from the shame of living a worthless, loathsome, meaningless, abhorrent, revolting existence.

Currently, both my thighs are black and blue, the left one is worse. I must have fallen and slid primarily on my left side although since I blacked out, I don't entirely remember the entire incident.

Maybe tomorrow... check back. I'll probably have a great story because I'm going to a sports game at the local University and I'll be cheering for the away team!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

A World Class Piece of Crap

I may have a concussion, so if this doesn't make complete sense, you will know why. To preface: All the expletives in the world can not express my absolute outrage over the events of the past few hours.

I was riding my bike today with my dog. He does great on a bike. He knows not to run in front or behind the bike, but to stay next to me running at the same speed. And, he loves it. He gets to run and run and run. We made it within a block of our destination. I was in the street of a two lane busy street and he was up on the sidewalk.

Everything was fine - until a big dog came out of the parking lot we were riding/running past. My dog got a little nervous, and I tried to keep him running, but it was too late. He stopped. Of course, if he stops and I'm holding his leash, I stop!

I flew into traffic! It was nothing short of a miracle that no cars were driving past as I flew from my bike next to the sidewalk, past one lane of traffic into the far left lane and slid about 6 feet. Through my denim jacket with sheepskin lining, and a long sleeve sweater both my arms were scratched nearly to the bone, my knees also. My cell phone flew with me and the front screen broke.

Sure, it was an accident. Bicyclists get into accidents all the time, particularly when you are holding a leash and a small dog is trailing you. But, there exist leash laws for a reason - and this is one of them. On the other hand, I allow my dog off a leash at times too, but I also watch him and my surroundings at all times - and if my dog causes a problem, an accident or a potential car pileup, I don't scurry away with my tail between my legs.

I was a bit disorientated after my fall. I saw the bright lights of the 8 cars stopped because I was lying in the middle of the road. I heard my dog whining and felt him licking my face nudging me up. And out of the corner of my eye, I saw a man hiding against the building next to the parking lot, and softly calling: "Parker" which I can only assume was the name of his huge gi-normous black dog that caused the accident in the first place!

I got up, assured those stopped in their cars I was OK, pulled my bike up onto the sidewalk, and saw the jackass skimping off. I started walking after him yelling, "Hey! Hey!" He kept going, not even turning around. "I know you can hear me - STOP!"

He turned around the corner, but I was just behind him. I turned around the corner and he was gone. There was no where he could have been, I looked around for a minute, and not seeing him I decided to give it up. I turned back around and started heading towards my bike - but I was too infuriated. I started back in his direction again, and there he was coming out of the bushes! I started running after him; he also started running - away from me! I kept yelling, "Hey! Hey! Hey!" He turned another corner. When I rounded the corner, again he was gone. I looked behind the bushes but I didn't see him anywhere.

There were several apartments here, and there was a chance he entered one, although I was sure he was just hiding again. What a world class piece of trash! I was so infuriated and I couldn't stomach chasing after this pathetic loser anymore! I screamed loud enough for the whole block to hear: "Come out here you stupid, worthless coward!" No sight of him... "You freaking pathetic excuse for a human being - I can't believe you! I hope you sleep at night knowing you left me in the middle of the road!" And just for good measure, "Put your freaking dog on a leash!"

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Crazies work here too!

I can only assume, based on my experience that because the downtown area is full of crazies, it is a prerequisite to working downtown that you must be a crazie also.

I have an issue with my car. When I make a sharp turn to parallel park, or complete a U-turn I hear a clicking noise. In addition to that when I am driving highway speeds and I press on the brakes my steering wheel shakes. Obviously, something is wrong. I took my car into LES SCHWAB on NW 19th! 3 times before they finally agreed that something was wrong.
I'm not sure why I kept taking it back.
Finally, on my 4th trip they determined that the rear wheel bearing needed replacement. It would take 2 weeks to fix - we had company so we asked if the car was safe to drive. The mechanic said, verbatim: "If my brother wanted to drive around with your car and his wife and two friends and a baby, I would break his arm."

Well great! I've been driving around on this car for months - during which you kept telling me nothing was wrong!

So it was fixed. I was a bit skeptical so when I went in to pick up the car I asked for a detailed explanation of what was done on the car considering my previous experiences. The chavanist at the front desk told me, verbatim: "We did whatever you asked us to do." I said, "And, what was that?" He replied, "It's all here," pointing to a sheet of paper. I responded, "Did you balance the tires?" He answered, "Did you ask us to?"

I took the car and left. Now, it's about a month later. The wheel is no longer shaking, but it's still making a clicking noise when turning.
I called LES SCHWAB again - why? I'm stupid!
When I called I started to explain my problem and they guy who answered the phone, probably the same chavanist who returned my car previously told me he didn't need to hear the problem, he already knew what the problem was! and referred me to Kyle. He was actually very helpful. I told him the problem, and I told him my reservations about returning - he was very clear that he wanted to earn our business so I decided to give them one more try.

I couldn't make my appointment at 11:00 for the next day, so about 10 after I called and Danielle answered the phone. I began explaining, "Hi, I had an appointment at 11, and I am obviously late..." .... .... .... She hung up on me. Maybe it was a mistake, so I called back. I tried something else, "Hi, I had an appointment today and I wanted to reschedule because I am late and..." ... ... ... Okay, this time it wasn't a coincidence. I called back, fully ready to confront her! But Jason answered this time - I rescheduled and then I asked if they were having difficulties with their phone system. They weren't, so I asked who the woman was who answered the phone before him, and told him that she hung up on me twice! He paused for a minute, and then said, "Oh... yeah."

You can argue that maybe it's me. I may come across a bit rude and snobbish in my retelling of my experiences, and that may lead you to believe that I act in the same way in my interaction with businesses and their employees! But! the customer is always right! And I don't act that way in person.

Anyway, I'm calling the Manager Joe on Monday, and they lost my business for the last time! This time for real!


I'm walking home from downtown about midnight on Thursday with my dog, and a big truck drives past with some kid hanging his head out the window, presumably because he's about to throw up.

He spots my dog and begins verbally and affectionately coddling him.

"Oh Craig, Hi Craig! Aren't you cute Craig... Yes, good boy Craig pee on that fire hydrant Craig. I love you Craig."

My dog's name is not Craig, nor am I acquainted with this crack head for the record.

The driver reaches the end of the block, and we are no longer in his sights, but I can only suppose the vision of "Craig's beauty" lingers in his memory.

"Craig!! Craig!! I'm so drunk Craig! Help me Craig! I love you Craig!"

He passes another block, but fearing Craig may not be able to hear him, his voice escalates as his distance increases.

"Craig!! Craig, find me! I will (perform sexual acts on you) Craig!"

It was a poignant scene.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Petty Testosterone

Because I don't neglect my dog, contrary to what some fat lady told me on the corner the other day just because he loves people and was excited she was petting him, I often take him to work with me.

My path to work leads us by a leashless dog park which we typically stop by as a daily routine. Today though I was in a hurry, and I had an appointment I had to make it to, so I didn't intend to stop but there was a cute little dog playing alone, off his leash and my doggie so badly wanted to play with him. So, while still on his leash I let them tussle a bit and finally I decided it was wrong to deprive him so I announced quite loudly, "C'mere doggie, I will take you off your leash!"

Those two went crazy! They were having soooooooooooooooo much fun, it was adorable. If you have a dog, and you are a decent person, you will know that it is a common practice for dog owners to make small talk while their dogs are playing. So, I proceeded to ask the guy how old his dog was. He ignored me, so I thought maybe he didn't hear me because he was a short distance away, so I asked louder. There is no question if he heard me or not, unless he was deaf, which I came to learn in a few seconds was not the case so he ignored me again and began walking away from me. By this point our dogs were running in huge circles all over the park. He began chasing after his dog, in what appeared was his attempt at still looking suave while I watched amused.

After many failed attempts to call his dog and reign him in, he made a lunge but his dog evaded him and instead he plummeted to the ground. This clearly upset his frail self-esteem and he screeched at me, "Lady! Call your ******* dog!!!!!!!!!!!" I ignored him for a minute, but then I got really enraged when he screeched at me again, and I said, "Listen don't yell at me because you can't control your dog!"

I was infuriated! What nerve! Are you kidding me, so I yelled again, "Don't ever, ever talk to me like that ever again!" with special emphasis on ever! He responded, "You are the one who took your dog off his leash in the first place!" I retorted, "You freaking idiot! This is a LEASHLESS DOG PARK!" Even though as he scurried away he mumbled under his breath like a 2 year old, "Nuh uh". Even these fools know what to do at a dog park!

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Scant Vagabonds

It's been a slow couple of days when it comes to the crazies - not to mention I've been away from home... so there is little to share; however the first night we were living here we were awoken from a sound sleep to a crazy woman shouting at the top of her lungs!

I thought she was saying, "Get Out! Get Out of here!" accompanied by some expletives. It went on for a good 1/2 hour before the people above us screamed at her to shut her cake hole! But the next day I was talking to a neighbor who was outside at the time, and told me she was actually screaming: "Get out of MY HEAD!"

Fortunately we live straight across from a pub from which the likes of many crazies attract! and this is not an uncommon occurrence. About two weeks ago some guys were out there talking amongst one another as if they were in an opera, every syllable extended, high pitched and drawn out and surprisingly it took a while for them to grow weary of it! To date these romantic gentlemen have been my favorite, late night serenade.