Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Happy Halloween Goblins!

I got a call from a very disgruntled woman at work today, and bless her heart she tried with all her might to sound terrifying and bossy, and in her attempt to antagonize me all she accomplished was to get made fun of on my blog! I almost feel bad for her.

The conversation went as follows - the initials representing her will be OFL, (Old Feeble Lady) and my initial will be K, (Kitty):

OFL: "I demand to know the name and phone number of the owner of your company!"
This info is pretty much common knowledge, especially considering the fact that she had enough prowess to find my name and number...

K: "Sure, I would be happy to give you that information."
It's always been my policy when people misdirect their frustration and anger, to help them out a bit by multiplying their initial agitation, so first I told her the name of the company, and then I followed up with:
"However, I will just need to verify who you are."
Any one else, even mildly adept could have taken the name of the company and located its telephone number, but I won't blatantly insult her further by stating her inadequacies and failures for the entire web.

OFL: "Just give me the phone number!"

K: "Okay, but like I said, I just need to verify who you are."
What's more, is that she didn't even make up a name so that I would stop taunting her!

OFL: "Oh, just tell me me! 503 - then what!!"

K: "Yes, it starts with 503, and I would be happy to tell you the rest if you just verify who you are."
Of course, I'm speaking totally facetiously allowing my voice to drip with all the honey it possesses.

OFL: "Fine, I'm calling with the FBI! Would you prefer that they call you instead?"

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

The Clapper

So this is a funny little story. Yesterday, early evening outside this mid rise apartment building there was an ambulance parked with it's lights flashing. It kinda looked like a scary building, so I decided to walk that route home. A middle aged woman and a quite older man were outside. He was sitting, however she couldn't stand still; her eyes were darting she was hopping up and down, clearly wacked out.
Before long, the paramedics wheel out another middle aged women. Sobbing she says to the hopped out one, "Pray for meeeee..." to which the hopped out woman responds, "Of course!" and skips around a bit.
Still wailing, they cart her into the ambulance. The hopped out woman says to her elderly boyfriend, "She probably fell - and hurt her bum again!"

Monday, October 29, 2007

Bumper Cars

When I got my drivers license at 16 I had to prove my prowess at parallel parking. I didn't have to park in between any cars, I simply had to reverse my vehicle in a straight line. I hit the curb going back, again when straightening forward, and again on the 2nd attempt.

I could only assume I had miserably failed my entire examination based on the parallel parking portion, but after we returned to the DMV I was awarded my new shiny translucent freedom pass.

I have since improved upon my skils, often impressing those present in my vehicle with me when I am displaying my talents. But... I know many persons who haven't been bequeathed with my particular aptitude for curbside parking.

One of whom I witnessed on my way home from school the other day. I'm not sure what this bloke was trying to accomplish, whether he was practicing for a driving test or what, but he totally rammed into the car behind it. It was priceless!! He was in a massive truck, and he was parked in front of a small white Honda. I think he was trying to park, because based on the situation I don't think he could have been leaving. He somehow had backed up onto the curb, nearly parallel with the Honda behind him. As he left and attempted to drive off, he clipped the Honda and latched onto the Honda's bumper - and he just kept going and going and going. He was halfway into the street before he realized he was trailing the poor Honda's bumper.

The best part was that he got out of his car, tried to reattach the bumper to the Honda and then got back into his truck. Then, he looked all around and saw me writing down his license plate number. Then he got back out and left a note for the Honda.

That is one of the real perks of living downtown - the constant suspense of not knowing if your car will be demolished the next time you check on it.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Crafty Bums!

I tell you what, those homeless bums are getting crafty! No more silent begging on the street corner with a sign casually requesting spare change from a passerby, it's all about brazen, in your face, petulant, demanding and coersive gimmies!
Last night we were trying to rent a movie and I was sitting on the stairs waiting while he picked it out. This girl came strolling up to me and yelled, "Yo will you give me som' money for a tampon?"
Maybe she thought I would relate as a female, I don't know - maybe she was going for the shock value but I gotta give her some props for creativity because it was an original business plan, I'll give her that!