Friday, May 30, 2008

Favors

So, I was just telling my old man the other day how curious I was at the lack of recent interaction with hobo's has been in terms of them harassing me rudely while I was talking on the phone.

Well, no need to fret any longer.

I took my dogs to the park this week to enjoy the sunshine, and as soon as we entered the leashless area, another dog ran up to greet them. They played for a moment, while a sidelined hobo gave commentary.

"Beebel bum...." he murmured.

What I asked? My first mistake; rule #1: Never engage! I should have known better!

"It's a circus!" he repeated.

I rolled my eyes, and gave that type of smile that's really more like an upside down frown and began walking away. Meanwhile, I'm on the phone. Actually, I'm just on hold but I'm the only one privy to this tiny detail.

He snarks me before I'm too far ahead of him and says, "Can I ask you a favor?"

See, a favor indicates give and take followed up with another give back - but when a hobo is involved it denigrates into simply a give. So what he should have said was, "Can I hit you up for something free?"

I rolled my eyes again, and vocalized my most perturbed annoyed voice, "I'm ON theee phhoneeuh!!!"

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Stop Signs

The Artistic Liberation Front is sweeping through my neighborhood. This is evidenced by the spray paint across the street on the billboard stating: "Artisic Liberation Front" with a small image of a french man.

The liberation has traveled within the surrounding several city blocks in my neighborhood and offered a artistic flair to the local street signs.

(Stop) "eating animals"

(Stop) "buying things"

(Parking) "you are wasting"

(Parking) "breathe deep and no smiling

(Stop) "now is all you have"

(Parking) "when life gives you lemons, you turn that poop gold"

(Parking) "less hippies, more crime"

Friday, May 23, 2008

Grow Up!

When I was a little girl and everyone was telling me, "You can be anything you want when you grow up!" I proclaimed that I wanted to be a butterfly! It never occur ed to me that this wasn't a probable answer to the projected offer.

But now that I'm older and Obama is running for president I'm wondering if maybe I can become that butterfly!

I passed an older woman on the street today. Well dressed, blonde hair, mid 60's with a pink button on her lapel of Obama's face, and red hearts fluttering around him. Obama says, "Vote For Hope!" Is that the hope that we'll have another Cuban Missile Crisis when he meets with world terrorist leaders without preconditions? Or is it hope that I can be a butterfly?

When he says, "They're just words," does that mean I can actually become a butterfly if I hope hard enough!? Or does he mean that I can't become a butterfly because hope is just a word? Or does he have no idea what he's talking about?

Monday, May 19, 2008

Spare jeans

Truly, we must have one of the best park systems in all of the happy United States of America. One of such parks we were visiting yesterday during the sunshiny weather; enjoying the breeze, drinking water, and reading.

Consequently, from all the water drinking I hopped up to visit the convenient restroom located at the entrance to the park. As this restroom was no more than a glorified outhouse I certainly wasn't taking my time when someone tried to open my door - fortunately it was locked. They moved on to the next one.

Not a second later another person came by and tried to open my door. When they found it was locked, they hurriedly tried the next one. When they found that one locked as well, I heard a woman exclaim, "What the *$%#!" much angrier than I would have expected someone to be upon finding a public restroom unavailable. (Maybe she had diarrhea?) A man answered her by asking, "What? Are they locked?" I presume she nodded because he continued, "Try knocking."

A version of that ensued, much closer to what I would describe as loudly banging on the door and I answered annoyed, "Just a minute!" In all I had only been in there a few seconds as it was; wait your turn jeez!

A moment later the restroom next to the one I occupied opened up, and I heard someone rush in. As I mentioned before, being that these restrooms were no more than a glorified outhouse, the person next to me didn't waste any time taking care of business. A different kind of business though; the dirty disgusting sex kind.

If I wasn't hurrying before, you can bet I scurried out of there fast as possible! I ran back to my blanket thoroughly scarred, tainted, horrified, furious, and many more expressive expletives to explain to my husband and get a good look at the mucky filthy tyrants coming out of the bathroom. To my additional horror I saw a family walk just by the bathroom, and a mother and daughter enter the bathroom I had just exited! I gasped and grabbed my mouth in horror.

They too exited immediately.

A few minutes later, the dirty woman exited the bathroom briskly walking back towards the parking lot alone and hopped in the back of a radio taxi cab. Within seconds, the dirty man followed her and took his seat in the drivers seat!!! Dirty cabbie picking up prostitutes on a slow work day!

A few minutes later he popped his trunk, got back out of the car, grabbed his SPARE JEANS from the trunk and proceeded to change his pants in broad daylight. He had on baby blue boxer shorts.

Guess he couldn't go home to the wife with the mark of the devil on spilled allll over his pants!!

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Vote No!

I was at the local University yesterday walking around, and I kept seeing yellow post it notes, literally, everywhere.

"Read Twilight," were scribbled upon each and every one.

The revered Twilight. As popular as Obama and yet almost as destructive to every known facet of human culture. This is the very solid reason why I cherish my educaytion so much from this aforementioned University.

While walking to the theater today I saw a poster with a picture of McCain holding up his thumb and the words, "Bomb, bomb, bomb Iran" plastered across his face.

All are true:

Obama, a Brainwashing Cult Leader devoted to admiring himself.
McCain, a Warmonger dedicated to calling every man, woman and child 'my friend'.
Twilight, undeserving of anything more than a sticky note.

What is a girl in this big world to do?

Friday, May 16, 2008

What Purpose?

You may ask yourself, "Why do you continue to give business to McDonalds?"

The answer is simple. While we can justify no longer having an excess $17.99 to pay for Netflix each month for unlimited movies, we can justify $1 every night to pay for a Redbox movie. There are three free advertising commercial plugs that I am not getting a penny for.

WaMu (#4) was giving free lemonade on this ignited summer day, and with my empty paper cup I asked if McDo would fill it up with water!

"Yes, 10 cents please!"

"10 cents? Isn't the 10 cents for the cup?

"Yes..."

"But I have a cup, I just need water in it," I motioned feasibly with my hands.

"Still 10 cents!"

So I hollered at the manager who no doubt remembers me from the time he yelled at me with my dogs, and the time he consequently had to grovel at my feet for telling the owner and McDonalds corporation.

He allowed me to have a tiny sip of water for free... oh the grace of his gesture!

Friday, May 9, 2008

Dog Phobia

A woman ran yelling, streaking from inside Fred Meyer out into the street, "I don't like dogs!"

As is the norm, she was flailing her arms about, repeating her screams, and darting in and around cars.

Well, my dogs didn't like her either.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Hypocrites

Hobo's are the best! Think about it... they don't make no sense, they harass you, sometimes they run towards you, sometimes away from you... and they swear and scream at buildings.

Last week I encountered one screaming and cursing Nordstrom.

"YOU HAVE SHOES! I DON'T HAVE SHOES!"

Personally, I think he could have been more effective had he been standing at the entrance to the shoe floor as opposed to the purses entrance, but apparently he didn't think that aspect through to the finish.

"YOU ARE HYPOCRITES! SELLING YOUR SHOES WHILE I AM OUT HERE WITHOUT ANY SHOES!"

What is funny though, is he had shoes. He wasn't wearing them - this was an aspect he did think through. He set them on a box behind him as he stood screaming and swearing barefoot.

Unfortunately that's all I really got to witness; I was with my mom and she got scared so we couldn't stay long.