Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Because You Care!

I've been out of town for the past two weeks, but I'm sure I'll have interesting stories to tell about the pathetics of Ptown promptly!

In another downtown locale I found myself in the Red Light District. I thought that was just a place dreamed up in tinseltown; silly me!

All I wanted to do was find a restaurant and a new pair of jeans. I was trying to look chic, or just tall in jeans and a pair of heels, but that novel idea outlasted the actual proliferation by an immense ratio. Around one street corner I found myself staring down a big street, full of doorways, and red light bulbs illuminating their shadows.

Halfway down the street I saw two bums fighting over a $7 price tag (zero's purposefully and intentionally omited, so yes, just $7). We figured this was heading no where enlightening, so we turned around just before reaching a toothless streetwalker who found us amusing. She followed us for two blocks taunting us: "Found yourself in the ghetto, did you? That's right... Turn around, turn around, turn your pretty little faces around and get going... You don't belong here with all of us... Scared?... " Imagine a little bit of snickering tucked in as well.

Actually, I will admit that I was impressed with her diction.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Winners and Losers and Potato!

Someday, I would like to dedicate a blog to the winners of this fair city, but tonight I'm just saluting the one loser I ran into tonight. I hope someone reads this, knows the person I am talking about, accidentally doesn't see them in the middle of the street in the middle of the night because they are hanging their head low and wearing all black, and hits them with their car.

Around 8:30 PM I was looking for a parking spot on 17th and NW Glisan, right outside McMenamins. Out of my right window I spotted a man vehemently and intently tearing a poster off the pole. I wanted to see if he was going to clean up his mess or leave it on the ground, and if it did leave it, I wanted to tell him what a pathetic scumbag he was. As it turns out, I had an entirely different reason to believe that he's a scumbag.

So - on with the story! My husband realized that he was tearing down the poster about Potato! If you live in this city, I don't know how you could possibly not know about Potato - but Potato is a precious 1 year Bulldog that was stolen from his family! There is a current $5,000 reward for him!
http://www.myspace.com/bringpotatohome

We both got really excited thinking that maybe Potato was found! In fact, the guy saw us watching him and even picked up the pieces of the poster he tore down, so we were thinking that he may just be a straight up guy! As he passed by my window, I asked eagerly: "Did you find Potato?"

He replied sinisterly, "Yeah! Dead! I shot her in the head."

We were both stunned for a minute. He didn't skip a beat, he just spun around on his heels and continued on walking up Glisan. I can't even express how immensely horrific and disquieting his demeanor was.

Well, obviously something just didn't feel right - it goes without saying this scumbag likely has something to do with Potato missing. From McMenamins he walked up Glisan to 19th and turned left until he got to the NW Fred Meyer. He obviously lives in town because he was on foot and knows his direct way around town. Unfortunately I didn't see him come out of FM.

Late 40's
5'10"
Brown Hair
Medium Build
Straight nose with bulbous end
Square jaw with pockmarked cheeks
Small mouth, thin lips
He was wearing a dark blue jacket and cream slacks with a tan Beret

Please - let Potato's family know if you know this person or you see him! I live downtown too, so I can keep my eye out if you will please post comments here, and on Potato's page to keep everyone posted! Potato was also seen up the street on 21st and Irving. A picture was taken of a person seen with Potato - the person I saw is not the same person!

Friday, December 7, 2007

You'd Be Surprised How Many People are Out and About at 3:00 AM.

I just overheard a couple arguing about which of the two were shorter, the man adamant that he was short!

Following them, I heard a man yelling about a car bomb. Yikes, that actually sounds a bit scary now that I think about it.

Then, a serious of people pretending to be cats and dogs. The dog people were much more believable then the cat people.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Whip Cream & German Midgets

There are a few things in this world I don't know, and many of those things involve David Hasselhoff. I know that he is a drunk slob and I know that he is sometimes on, sometimes off, the show, "America's Got Talent."

The other evening downtown, I came across a rowdy bunch of guys. They were all very large, very rambuncktious, and very friendly. One of them in particular was having some difficulty walking and talking, and refraining from laughing after enjoying his night on the town. He was very earnest and made me a promise:

"I WILL NEVER DRINK WITH GERMAN MIDGETS LIKE DAVID HASSELHOFF AGAIN!"



I had a roommate in college that was obsessed with midgets. She used to work at Wet Seal and she always said that if she owned a midget, she would have them hang out in a circular clothes rack at her job. Then when she needed to hang something up she could call for them and they would peek out from the clothes, hold out their stubby hands, and hang them up for her. She was very explicit about this. She also liked to poke her arm with syringes full of air.

Later that night, I was fortunate enough to come across these guys again. This time they were across the street from me standing precariously in front of some bushes. I thought they were "taking care of business" and I was fine with not knowing, but one of the bunch saw me walking past. Even though I was on the other side of the street, he informed me:

"NO! WE AREN'T DOING WHAT YOU THINK! WE AREN'T DOING WHIP IT HITS!"

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

The Wash Cycle

One of the people who live in my building has figured out how to do their laundry for free. All they have to do is wait until someone else starts their wash and leaves the room. They take that laundry out of the machine and plops it on the floor.

One day I waited for the perp. I was standing next to the washers facing the door when he walked in. He looked scared to see me, not that it should be uncommon to find someone else in the laundry room. He left immediately; walked in, peeked in, walked out. When he came back he went and got his laundry out of the dryer. I watched him without saying a word. He refused to make eye contact. I walked out with him and watched him walk home.

I let him watch me watch him.

Someone else has drama laundry woes too:



I have written "you're welcome" over her note.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Entrepreneurs with a Fro

I was solicited outside a grocery story today by an artist. He really, really wanted to show me his drawings... he said, "it would really make him happy."

I said, "Why?"

He is trying to sell them. They are "awesome" circles and black dots and lines on lined college rule paper. He is only selling them for $1 and $2 each. I should have just bought one to scan in.

I said I didn't have any cash. Of all the things I could have used as an excuse, I felt bad. I might as well have said, "They are terrible."

As I started walking away, I turned back. "Have you tried Craigslist?"

No, thank you, he replies. I think he thought I was trying to invite him someplace.

I took a step closer and said again, "Have you tried selling them on Craigslist?"

"No. I don't have a camera."

"You could use the public libraries scanner."

"No. I don't want to."