Whip Cream & German Midgets

There are a few things in this world I don't know, and many of those things involve David Hasselhoff. I know that he is a drunk slob and I know that he is sometimes on, sometimes off, the show, "America's Got Talent."

The other evening downtown, I came across a rowdy bunch of guys. They were all very large, very rambuncktious, and very friendly. One of them in particular was having some difficulty walking and talking, and refraining from laughing after enjoying his night on the town. He was very earnest and made me a promise:

"I WILL NEVER DRINK WITH GERMAN MIDGETS LIKE DAVID HASSELHOFF AGAIN!"

I had a roommate in college that was obsessed with midgets. She used to work at Wet Seal and she always said that if she owned a midget, she would have them hang out in a circular clothes rack at her job. Then when she needed to hang something up she could call for them and they would peek out from the clothes, hold out their stubby hands, and hang them up for her. She was very explicit about this. She also liked to poke her arm with syringes full of air.

Later that night, I was fortunate enough to come across these guys again. This time they were across the street from me standing precariously in front of some bushes. I thought they were "taking care of business" and I was fine with not knowing, but one of the bunch saw me walking past. Even though I was on the other side of the street, he informed me:

"NO! WE AREN'T DOING WHAT YOU THINK! WE AREN'T DOING WHIP IT HITS!"