Saturday, March 15, 2008


So, we decided to see a movie the other night.

We haven't enjoyed our evening for a full 5 minutes before some fool walks in blabbing on his cell at a decibel level only the very adept at hearing animals in world, outside, 4 flights down can hear. What was he blabbing about? He was busy informing everyone that his favorite adjective, noun, subject, adverb and proposition is the F-word. He used the word in every possible context. He then followed up notification with an exposition of the stupidity of the movie being advertised on the before the actual show.

You know, I just want to see the story on the massive screen. I didn't come for the company of complete strangers. I didn't come on opening night because I anticipated that inevitably some idiot would ruin the viewing experience by running his mouth the entire film with a mirage of inappropriate comments that no one appreciates, especially, the people accompanying him - at least, that idiot hasn't failed me yet. I don't want to be subject to the painful monotony of your inept vocabulary.

So, this time I turn around and I say, "I appreciate (that you think you sound smart when you repeat the same word over and over and over again) that you use that type of language, but could you not be so loud?"

I can't remember a movie I've been to where I haven't told someone to shut up at some point, for some reason, and usually they just shut up or throw popcorn at me or whatever, but this alien... his eyes grew into his forehead. Immediately his face flushed an incredible fuchsia, and his knuckles turned white as he clutched his arm rests. This dude was seriously creepy.

I left for the bathroom, so unfortunately I cant tell you firsthand what happened next, but apparently this guys friend shows up, and our little creep head grows a chubby. No doubt purposefully, he starts recounting the story to his pathetic 4'8" mealy mustached friend, and they tell my husband 3x, "We are going to follow you out of this theatre, and beat the shit out of you." "Remember, we are going to follow you out of this theatre and beat the shit out of you!" "Don't forget we are going to follow you out and beat the shit out of you!" My husband came out to find me and of course we got our money back, and then we called the cops.

They hauled him out the theatre and handcuffed him.

Later, one of the side show policemen informs me, "Everyone has a right to free speech."

No way, really?

"You're in downtown Portland, people are going to say "bad words"." Highlighting bad words with finger quotes as he spoke."

Is that what this is about, bad words?

"This is downtown, 2 or 3 people get stabbed everyday down here."

So, point of the story: It's no big deal if I'm the person stabbed! By the way, my part of town, between the first of the year and the end of February there were only 22 shootings.

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